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I have so much free time to do things that i always wanted to do, that now i get stacked up with hang outs and dates. Literally it’ll be a hangout, then the next day I go out on a date. LOL. idk why but I literally LOVE being single. Its been a month and a half since shit happened. I thought it was longer. Talked to my best friends about this and they’re all proud that I’ve moved on completely. Ive talked to a few favorites and they’re very much proud that ive moved on also. Seriously i didnt think i would have moved on completely this fast. My original mindset and predictions were originally supposed to have me take awhile to get over this crap… But i guess since ive been going out a lot, keeping myself busy, and just dancing a while lot, it got my mind off of it. Moreover, taking dancing seriously and going to workshops really has helped me express a lot of my hidden/put away emotions i had to hide.
I dont know how many dates ive gone to. Its come to a point where Mizzy is calling me a whore. LMFAO. IM SORRY! ITS FUN. ITS INTERESTING. Plus you can’t get me wrong when the girls ive been going on dates are stunningly gorgeous… hahahah. The most ive actually spent on all these dates were really… 60? 70 dollars? the cheapest i had to pay for dates in a LONG time. I dont mind going out on dates. I actually want to go out on more…. But i really do think im becoming a whore. LMAO, its one after another after another. Kinda reminds me of my freshman and sophomore year. xD picking up one after another after another. But ay! its all good doe.
Ive been in 2 relationships for a whole year. literally. And being single? i really enjoy it. No worries. No whining. Money spent all on myself. and The worry of having to baby anyone for awhile. ITS GREAT MAN! (‘:
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Whenever I get mad I get mad. It’s either or. No in between. And when I tell you what’s up and come back at me like you didn’t do crap wrong when you obviously did then that shit just ticks me off even more. I dont get you can say ” oh, I didn’t do anything wrong” or how you’re trying to back yourself out when I SIMPLY asked for something small and you say no to me just because I didn’t give you money to get it. And then you tell me you were only kidding? I don’t know how to read minds so how the hell am I supposed to know you were kidding or not. I’m not going to stare at you the whole entire time. And you think laughing is telling me that you were kidding? WTH? To me that’s just mocking me because you get to have whatever you want and shit and not even share. And don’t even say you were kidding because you DIDN’T say a single word to me at all that you were the ENTIRE rest of the time I was with UNTIL I told you about it. So don’t come at me how you shouldn’t apologize for nothing when you didn’t tell me shit at all today. Don’t even bother giving me a hello or Hiii until I said something, and then yell at me in the car, throw my sunglasses at me when you could of simply hand them to me and not slam the door of the car. You’re telling me I act like a baby, WELL LOOK WHO’S THROWING A TANTRUM AND AN ATTITUDE. When I get mad I don’t throw any shit at you or give you stupid ass attitude or anything. But with you, you ALWAYS got to give a damn attitude or pretend that you do anything wrong when you think you were “kidding” and told yourself that I knew. I’m not a damn mind reader and nor do I appreciate the fact that I never kid around with giving you food because I know you would get mad at me if I was “kidding” and said no when I’m with you and I have food. Whatever. Honestly I got annoyed with you and you seem to just make matters worst by throwing a fit by slamming the door, “tossing” my sunglasses and then when I tell you what happened you come at me like you didn’t do shit wrong. Ok. So everytime I say something, which in this case I simply asked for one favor no matter how small or how big and you say no, then tell me later that you were kidding about it, but didn’t even try telling or letting me know you were? Alrite cool whatever then. Kidding my ass. If you were kidding, you wouldny just stand there laughing but actually tell me you were kidding. But like you said, “you didnt do anything wrong and you don’t have to say sorry for anything” Alrite whatever.
Source: khevinthere
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Today I got asked a question about me and you. They asked me, “are you and her together?” i stood there for a minute thinking about it. I told him I don’t know what we were.
Which has now gotten me thinking…
What are we? What am I to you? I’ve proven to you everything there is to prove from any guy that wants to be with you… So? Honestly what are? Last time I asked we were just a “thing” but honestly it DOESN’T feel like a thing. A thing is just a hit it and quit it typa thing. Only lasting no longer than at least half a year. It could be on and off. But we’ve been together for at least 8 months now. So what’s going on? Tell me what I am to you. Tell me what we are because now that I’ve ignored this whatever we are a “thing” for so long. You honestly can’t call it just a thing anymore..
Sigh. I honestly don’t know what’s going on in my head, yours or anything else that’s going on.
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Honestly i have NEVER felt this way before. I way your eyes shine, the way your smile brings joy to my heart, the child that you are you that brings a smile to my smile. I dont know what it is. Everything feels completely different but…. In a different good. Everytime i see a picture of you, or i see you in person… it just feels different. I start to get butterflies ive never felt before, not like how they were when we first started to talk, but something…. nicer, something that i really like. The feeling i get when i see your smile is just so…. I dont know really how to explain. And most of all, you are so beautiful. I dont know when was the last time i really thought someone was honestly beautiful than my momma and sister. But you… its just…. You really are. You bring so much joy to my life and so much excitement and happiness. I can say I’m slowly falling for you. But i dont want to say anything right now or too early.
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I’ve done it, and learned the hard way. I made sure again that i wouldn’t do it ever again. But then again its at the moment and i understand how people just blow up and not thinking of what to say in that time. Which is why i hold my tongue and watch what i say when i get mad or irritated. I don’t blow off like how a lot of people do, unless they get me on the burning point of no return. But in general, I’ve learned how to control my anger. I dont like running off my mouth like i would cause what i say sometimes i really dont mean. Like i said its just at the spur of the moment. But hey, not like there are times i want to just run my mouth. Its just i know how to watch what i say and know what not to say.
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But there are also things I’m not at fault for. I take all the blows you come at me with and just deal with it. I don’t try to argue or piss you off more than it is, but i just state what i have to say. If you get mad at what I’m saying then okay you get mad at me, but im stating what i want to say. I’m not going to hold things back like how i used to with everyone else. I’ll say what i have to say, and if you don’t like it you don’t like it. But i also take into consideration of where youre coming from. I’m not just going to block you out and just go with whatever I’m thinking. Its cool that you do. I’ve dealed with you up until now, and i wont stop. I’ll apologize at what I’m wrong at, but I’m not apologizing for things that i never said, for what you think i said, and stating what i needed to say.
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Yes there is a time and place for something, but i want something and its at my hands grasp, then ill do what it takes to fight for it. In matters of right now you. Yeah I apologize, i apologized for being a complete dumbass as I am. You said how i can’t predict the future, but its not like i wont fight and try for you. These other guys, yeah they’ll fight for you, wait for you and all, but they havent felt what ive felt. They haven’t felt what i felt. They’ve never waited and watched you be with someone that broke you apart. But… to you, it seems that everything can be thrown away just like that. Even if youre just saying or not. It obviously shows that you wouldn’t try to fight/try.
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I totally agree with that. But to a certain extend. For now ill just leave this here and come back to it when i know exactly what to say.
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Especially about a person i used to be with. The remind me how terrible everything turned out. Honestly yeah in the beginning everything is good. everything is ALWAYS good in the beginning. But later on, it just turns into a complete mess. Which is WHY ive only been with someone for 2 months, excluding maureen. The thought of how someone messed you up is ONE thing, but the thought having MULTIPLE people fucking you up is a whole different ball game. I used to think that HEY i like her, she likes me, she’ll be different from the last, or better and itll all go well. Mother fucking wrong. I dont know where i got this dumb shit from, but on the real i’m pretty stupid if you ask me, REALLY stupid. I dont know how i came to thinking that once im with someone they’re totally different and they’ll consider you and care about you. LOL wrooooong. I should of have figured out a long time ago, that girls are number 1 can fuck you over anytime. Even without you knowing! freshman year - too clingy and got me into situations i shouldnt have been. It got to a point where i didnt want to ruin my life just to be with someone. Got me in too much trouble, made me decide on bad decisions, and created a bad relationship with my parents the start of my high school career. Sophmore year - too caring, and dragged on for a year where i lost myself and become someone i wasnt and lost people i was dearly close to. I was too attatched to her, and i was just trying to find someone to pick up the broken pieces and atleast try and help me put it back together. I had priorities but then that got in the way of the relationship, but either way my priorities are number 1. IF you can’t deal with me then just leave. You’ll be stressing and getting worked up from nothing. Junior year - pretended that nothing was wrong when she was obviously going behind my back and all. I started to become more lenient let her have more of her own time and all. And just let things pass by me that i should of have done or said something. I trusted her a lot probably more than the first two. But in the end i got totally screwed over.
To add this all up, I’m pretty much a fucked up guy. Yeah It may not seem like it, but i really am. I just dont show it, and if i do show it, i just keep it to myself. I keep a lot of things to myself. But one thing i MOST DEFINTELY keep to myself is trust. Trust is a number one factor with me. Although i have trust problems you have to prove to me that i can trust you. i mean yeah you can say that you like me and all that, but that doesnt give the fact that you could do something behind my back. You see I’m lenient with things. If you want to go hang yeah hey, go for it. but if it gets to a point where I’m suspicious, honestly you wont ever know unless i supposedly let it slip or get to me and all. There will be times that this will happen. There are also times where even if i dont like a person or you go do something i may not like, I’ll just let you be. In all honesty I’m quiet sometimes, or in a way a lot about things in a relationship. I know this is bad, but its because I’ve gone through so much stuff in the past that now I’m not taking the risk of getting fucked over. I trust people to a certain extend. But to gain my full trust i have to wait and see if you earn it or not.
I think a lot, and i tend to solve things by myself a lot. Its not that i dont want help, its just a matter of me understanding myself more. so what else can i say? there arent much really. All i can say is understand is where I’m coming from and understand what I’ve been through. Consider it also.
I’m a handful, A big handful i just tend to try and lay off in being so much to handle in a way? by hiding away things and just keeping things to myself and try and solve things by myself. Once you open me up, to a point where i do or want to start opening up to someone. I will. But i just havent gotten there yet.
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I’m not afraid to say it. I really do. But its not so bad to a point where it fucks me over. Its just one of those problems that i just have to overcome and find someone that i can fully trust if I’m with them. Throughout my life, ive had people used me, cheated on me, or even did both. You can say I’m pretty fucked up. Guess correctly. I dont know what to really say about this because this is something im still trying to overcome and still trying to learn how to trust people. more enough trust her. Its not she caused this to happen, its just that i’m still building trust for her, but at the same time my trust problem tends to get in the way sometimes. its annoying..
But in the end all i can say is that i trust her. Fully trust her, yes there will be times that i might think differently or something gets to me. But like i said, in the end, i fully trust her.
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